Martyschmidt’s Weblog

A Joyful Journey

Sexy Sundays Q & A February 18, 2009

Filed under: thebridge — martyschmidt @ 5:26 pm

There were some great questions that came in this past Sunday during our Q & A. Below is a large sampling of them. It is my hope to rapid fire some answers to these questions on Friday.


  • How do you keep the dynamics in your marriage strong after having a child?
    • You must keep dating your spouse! Getting stronger means working out. It doesn’t come naturally. Children great a dynamic in which parents often pour all of their workouts into the child/kids and quit strengthening each other. Time away from your kids is healthy for you and your little ones!
  • Are regular “dates” important for married couples or not really necessary?
    • See you above. But also know a date doesn’t have to be dinner and a movie. Go for a walk, find a mutual hobby, or play a game.
  • How can we make each other stronger in our relationship with Christ?
    • Praying for each, praying with each other, and reading the same book/scripture are my quick spiritual answers. Asking each other questions and waiting for answers is helpful.
  • Does sex need to be present in a marriage after the “honeymoon” phase and you have been together for years and years to be a healthy marriage?
    • I don’t think you can isolate the health of a marriage based on one aspect of the relationship. However, it has been my experience that the issue of sex is a large barometer of how the relationship is going. Can both husband and wife agree that they are satisfied on the amount of physical intimacy they are experiencing and that amount is low then sure. Maybe the bigger question is how can we make our marriage more healthy tomorrow then what it is today.
  • Where do babies come from? (thanks Brandon)
    • I believe it is important to have conversations with children early while at the same time keeping it age appropriate. There isn’t one talk on the birds and the bees. There are stages to this.
  • In marriage relationships, how do you best balance intimacy, work, kids, and the stresses of life?
    • It starts with keeping a Sabbath for me. My family, friends, and co-workers know that I shut down from sun down Monday night – sun down Tuesday night. Don’t call me. I’m with my family. My rhythm includes a little personal time and creating a little personal time for Jenny and a bunch of family time.
  • If your spouse doesn’t want to have sex, are they required too as a respect issue?
    • Scripture is great in creating healthy tension. It is black and white. A wife is submit to her husband just as a husband is to submit to his wife. If one is in the position of always submitting to the other then you no longer have healthy tension.
  • Why did God make relationships so complicated?
    • I think we make relationships complicated. God is all about restoring them.
  • Since Homosexuality is wrong, what do we do about our friends and family who are gay?
    • Grace and love. When we isolate our relationship and friendship with someone based on just this issue we are missing the bigger picture.
  • Why do many churches today accept homosexuality as normal?
    • I wish I knew. I also wish I knew why so many churches response to those who are homosexual is so evil. Again, there needs to be a healthy tension. The whole love the person not what the person does seems to be challenging. I find many churches are embracing the action because they can’t seem to separate the act from the person.
  • Is Divorce the end or just a two way misunderstanding?
    • Obviously a question that is very circumstantial to each person. I wish I knew what the writer of this question meant by the end.
  • How do you distinguish between love and infatuation?
    • Love serves others – Infatuation serves yourself
  • What does God consider marriage?
    • I think the question people are getting at with this one is – Could God consider someone married without a wedding? I’m sure he could. Does this mean people who are living together are married in God’s eyes? These are huge questions that deserve far more attention then a quick blurb. Some of you have e-mailed me about this. I have an e-mail in draft form with most of a response. I’ll get it out next week. Contact me if you want my thoughts on this.
  • How should a spouse pray/act when the other is not active because of age/injury?
    • I think the answer is in the question. A spouse should pray – Lord give me wisdom in how I should act. Open my heart up more. Teach me Lord.
  • What helps men understand what you’re trying to communicate? What helps them to listen?
    • A soft heart is the biggest aspect. If one doesn’t want to listen or communicate it will be an uphill battle. If there is genuine effort in trying to understand I would encourage each spouse to repeat back what they hear the other saying. Usually what one is hearing isn’t even close to what the other is saying. In addtion create an environment of expectation. Let it be known that there is something you want to communicate. Don’t spring up some question while the game is on or right before one of you falls asleep.
  • How do I overcome hindrances caused from sexual abuse?
    • Healing prayer and counseling. It is possible! With Christ it can be overcome!
  • How does a young guy say no to a sexual encounter with his girlfriend when he is so interested and has so much pressure to do it from his male friends?
    • Accountability, new male friends, don’t put yourself into compromising situations, if you are still in school talk to your parents. (DID HE JUST SAY I SHOULD TALK TO MY PARENTS?)
  • How do you teach your kids about sex?
    • See Brandon’s questions. Also ask someone whom you respect who is ahead of you in raising kids.
  • What about sex when you’re engaged?
    • Talk about living in tension. I understand the debate. We are going to be married. BUT YOU ARE NOT! Move your wedding date up.
  • (Context refers to our older generation) Can (may) a non-married man and woman live together? (no sexual union)
    • I’m fine with it. I don’t know any scripture off hand – I would be curious what others thought on this.
  • What is God’s relationship in our sexual encounters?
    • God is very much a part of them. Good ones and bad ones. Ones that are holy and ones you wish no one knew about. A book – Sacred Sex – does a great job talking about this question.
  • Should sex be used as a reward for helping with housework?
    • Sure – Talk about it first – Have a reward system for the day – Make it fun – BUT – If this is the only time or reason you are doing housework then your heart isn’t in serving your spouse it is in serving yourself. If your only motivation for doing housework is because of what you expect on the otherside then you aren’t doing  housework – you are treating your spouse like a job. I’ll put in this many hours and I’m expecting this kind of compensation. At the same time see below…
  • Should sex ever be withheld as punishment? 
    • (continuing from above) a spouse who is lovingly serving and meeting the needs of the other without having their needs met is punishment. Witholding from one another of any kind is putting a division in what is suppose to be unity. There may be times when it is inapproriate to have sex because there are other things going. There may be some things that are so deep and heavy that sex would only add confusion, anger, or bitterness.
  • How do we cleanse ourselves if we’ve already committed this sin?
    • God’s mercy is new every morning!
  • What determines if we are lusting when we notice beauty?
    • What may be lust for one may not be for another. We are all wired different. Lust is wanting something that we have no right to. If your noticing is causing you to want then you are straying from beauty.
  •  What if you are no longer attracted to your spouse?
    • I find many couples get married and then they quit working on trying to catch/pursue the other. This question creates a lot of follow up questions for me making it tough to answer.
  • How can I love my husband? What are his needs?
    • Ask him – Read the book His Needs Her Needs
  • How can I love my wife? What are her needs?
    • See Above
  • (Context Men) What is a good way to handle no?
    • Beg! No I’m just kidding. I think clearly articulating your expectations and asking your wife for something to look forward to. If not tonight – when? Don’t box her in but in love make it clear that you have a need/hope/desire that ONLY she can fill and you would be blessed to know when that next time is. WIVES – You will always have the headache, tired, too busy, kids, not right now going on in your head BUT that doesn’t mean you can’t identify a time to joyfully jump in.
  •  How long should a couple be together before they consider marriage?
    • This answer would be different for each couple I talk to.

One Response to “Sexy Sundays Q & A”

  1. Great post. Great way to handle Q&A.

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